


An Exercise in Self Discipline

by actuallynobutwhynot, GameMaster26, Voiidfriend



Series: Discord Fics [1]
Category: Transformers: Prime
Genre: Eating Disorders, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 08:14:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27730096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/actuallynobutwhynot/pseuds/actuallynobutwhynot, https://archiveofourown.org/users/GameMaster26/pseuds/GameMaster26, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Voiidfriend/pseuds/Voiidfriend
Summary: Adjusting to life with the Autobots brings some unexpected challenges to Starscream, who finds himself confused by Optimus Prime's style of leadership.
Relationships: Optimus Prime & Starscream, Optimus Prime/Starscream
Series: Discord Fics [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2028226
Comments: 15
Kudos: 113





	An Exercise in Self Discipline

**Author's Note:**

> Written by the Autobot Outpost Omega One discord!  
> \-----  
> PROMPT: Starscream gets mad abt Optimus not scolding the team for failing a mission.

Starscream picked the leaves off his wing. He hated this planet’s unpredictable weather. He could deal with a storm while in the air. But fighting on the ground with the disgusting mud and foliage was more of a pain than he cared to deal with. And they hadn’t even gotten what they came for!

Arcee let out a tired sigh and pressed her audial. “Ratchet. We need a bridge. The cons got away with the relic.” Her voice sounded just as tired as she looked. Starscream couldn’t make out Ratchet’s reply but a bridge opened promptly and the team shuffled forward into it.

Starscream himself stumbled through the groundbridge, reluctant to return empty handed and internally bracing himself for the inevitable chewing out of the whole team. It wasn’t going to be pretty, that much he knew from experience. Part of him wondered who would get the worst of it. He hoped it wasn’t him, but he had a feeling he could be singled out as the only ex-con of the group

He took a deep and shuddering intake as he stepped into the main silo, he could hardly take his optics off the dirtied floor, let alone look Optimus in the optics as he towered above him. The silence in the room seemed to go on for ages as Starscream awaited the inevitable punishment for the team's failure. The only sound was the wet mud dripping from each of their frames. Starscream wished he was anywhere but that silo in that moment, preferably the washracks before the sticky mud dried into his seams.

The seeker nearly jumped out of his frame when Optimus finally spoke, his deceivingly calm voice calling them to attention. "Autobots, it seems as though the mission was a failure. As you know, the decepticons have taken the relic, and it is unknown what they will do with it."

Starscream furrowed his optic ridge, this didn't sound like a proper reprimand. He glanced to his left, then his right. The other Autobots seemed unphased, relaxed even, and at worst a bit disappointed. Were they simply used to whatever came next? The anticipation was killing him. Why didn’t he just get it over with. ‘Start shouting already and get on with it. If this mud dries I’m fragged!’ He thought to himself.

Optimus continued to address his team,  
"Though the battle today was lost, we must stay strong and motivated for the battles to come. It is up to us to stop the Decepticon forces on Earth, and we will do everything in our power to keep the residents of this world safe from harm." He dismissed them with a nod, but Starscream didn't move. This wasn't how these things went, where was the yelling? The punishments? Who's rations were to be cut, and who would be put on filter cleaning duty? 

Starscream was startled out of his haze by the sound of Prime calling his name. “Starscream? You seem troubled, did you need something?”

The Prime raised a hand, presumably to smack him over the processor, and Starscream flinched away from it, shielding his helm with his arms. He saw Optimus' optics widen, and the servo was dropped to his side immediately.

"Starscream..?"  
The seeker was suddenly very aware of the other bots around him, time seemed to stop as everyone looked at him, their optics filled with concern.

"What are you looking at!? Don’t you have something better to do?!" The small seeker screeched. The other bots reeled back in surprise, and Starscream used this moment to quickly walk, not run, he never ran from autobots, of all things, out of the silo. He half expected Optimus to follow him, the do-gooder was always trying to fix broken bots like him. Bots who couldn't even tell a hit from a comforting gesture. He felt like he was going to purge his tanks at the notion. He could even feel the half-processed energon burning in the back of his throat, threatening, but never carrying through.

He walked past his room. Far too obvious and the first place the Prime would check. He ducked into the storage room and hid amongst their spare supplies and energon. Maybe if he stayed here long enough they would forget about what he had done and just carry on as normal.

Without anything to distract him, he found his thoughts constantly wandering back to his embarrassing outburst. If he wasn’t in trouble before, he certainly was now. He could still feel the mud on his plating and shivered, most of his vents were clogged with the stuff now. But he didn’t dare move. He would surely be scrapped for this.

He thought about his options, joining back with the Decepticons was definitely not an option, so he would have to somehow go out on his own. Surely the autobots would rethink their invitation now that they had seen just how damaged he truly was, and how explosive that made him.

He was in the middle of brainstorming possible base locations when he heard heavy pedesteps approach his hiding place. ‘Frag!’ He cursed mentaly and backed himself further into the corner of the dark room. He should’ve known his muddy ped prints would’ve left a trail. He sat as still as possible, trying to disguise his shape in the shadows. 

“Starscream?” Optimus wasn't yelling, but the items on shelves still rattled from the force of his baritone.He heard the footsteps grow closer and clenched his optics shut, but it was obvious he had been spotted. He started to tremble as he heard the door open. ‘No no no no! Please!’ He begged in his mind. But he knew not even Primus could or would come to save him now.

Suddenly he heard the other mech sit down in front of him, still some distance away. He dared to open his optics a crack and was met by the kind smile of Optimus Prime. Starscream dared to relax his coiled frame a slight amount, he could out maneuver the larger bot in such a confined space, if he had to.

“Starscream, are you alright?” the obvious question still managed to throw the seeker for a loop, was he alright? He would be, once Optimus revealed what the true punishment for today’s failure was, instead of mulling around it.

“Y-yes-!” The small seeker sputtered out. He knew he didn’t sound convincing but you couldn’t just admit to being afraid of your own leader without some consequences. Especially if that leader was the strong Optimus Prime. Surely he would have something to say about the display the smaller bot had made in front of the entire team.

“Starscream…” Optimus muttered softly. “You’re shaking like a leaf… And you shouted at everyone for no reason… What’s going on? I only wish to help you…” His voice was quiet and kind, but held a certain note of unease.

The seeker stayed silent for a moment, considering his options. He had never actually seen Optimus discipline his team before, the only experience he had with failed missions had been from the Decepticons, from Megatron. Perhaps he had misjudged the Prime’s leadership style.

“The mission today,” he began, his tone evening out to one less embarrassingly terrified. Optimus nodded, encouraging him to continue the thought.

“We...we failed, the Decepticons took the artifact. We didn’t stop them in time!” Optimus looked at him, confusion written all over his faceplate.

“Surely there will be a punishment for this failure? Some sort of action taken to ensure this does not happen again?” Starscream inclined his head, waiting for a response.

“The failure today was not the fault of any one bot, and while it is a shame, Autobots do not punish each other for circumstances out of their control.”

“Why!?” The seeker sounded almost outraged. “We were weak and stupid and we failed! Surely this has consequences!” He blurted.

Optimus shook his helm. “No Starscream. The only consequence for failure is the disappointment it brings to the bots who failed. It would be cruel of me to compound upon that guilt.” He explained calmly.

Starscream was almost shaking with a mixture of confusion and outrage, the likes of which were evident in his voice. “That- that makes no sense! Thats not- Thats not how it works!” He threw out his servos as he yelled.

Optimus moved back a little, so he wouldn't get hit by the wildly gesturing seeker. “Why wouldn’t it be?” He asked softly.

Starscream stammered as he tried to explain, “If you fail, you're punished. It's simple, that's just the way it is!” He felt himself running out of steam, the prolonged fear and anxiety taking its toll on the already tired seeker.

“No Starscream. That’s not the way it is. Not here. Never.” The Prime told him, the sadness in his voice almost seemed palpable.

Starscream looked away in shame. Obviously. Obviously that wasn't how it worked here, he should have known better than this. Optimus was no Megatron, and their leadership couldn't be more different. 

He let out a sigh as he felt the last of the fight drain out of him. Optimus took this as a positive sign and scooted closer to the smaller bot, still not touching him.

“I understand that the practices and behaviors here with the Autobots are not like what you may have experienced during your time with the Decepticons, and so does the rest of the team. Starscream, if there is anything you need, anything I can do to help your transition here, please do not be afraid to ask. Questions are not punished here, neither are emotions. Both are a natural part of being a team, and you are not the only one who has them.”

Starscream looked away and his voice took a darker tone, “Like you would take anyone discounting your right to lead. You’re a Prime for Primus sake. Destined to rule. You’re literally divinely built for it.”

Optimus clenched his jaw, the motion was not missed by Starscream, who shrunk into himself some.

“Starscream,” he began after a moment, “I may not have experienced what you have, under Megatron’s leadership, but I know when a mech is lashing out from anger,” he paused as he looked the other mech in the optics, “or from fear.”

Starscream let out an offended gasp, ready to begin to defend himself, but Optimus continued.

“This place is not the Decepticon base, and the bots here are not your former associates. When I speak to my Autobots, I treat them with the respect they deserve, and that includes you, Starscream. There is no place for unwarranted anger or manipulation within these ranks, and while I know it may take some time for you to get used to, I truly hope that you come to realize that this base is safe from the mistreatment you have experienced.”

Starscream gawked at the Prime, quickly turning his faceplate elsewhere when he felt emotion well up behind his optics. No! He couldn’t cry in front of the Prime! “W-well isn’t that- that’s just, emotional drabble. T-typical for-” he sniffed, “for an Autobot!”

Optimus couldn't help but smile softly , he leaned very slightly against the seeker’s side. Starscream stiffened at the contact, but didn’t flinch away this time, so the Prime counted it as a win. “Might I remind you, Starscream, that you are also an Autobot.” 

Starscream found himself laughing at that, the high pitched sound echoing through the halls and making the other bots on-base sigh in relief. 

\-----

Starscream looked at the energon cube in his servo. He hadn’t opened it yet, and wasn’t going to. He was far too guilty and upset to take fuel. He made his way to the storage room and hid the serving cube there, amongst the other, larger storage cubes. 

He didn’t think he deserved energon after his catastrophic failure on today’s mission. It had all been his fault for not scouting well enough in that storm. So if Prime was going to do nothing about his incompetence, then he was going to exercise some self-discipline.

He forced himself to turn and walk away from the energon, his tanks cramped and he had alerts flashing in his hud, but he dismissed them. This was what had to be done. Next time, he would remember to scout better, to fight harder.

It’s only a few joors later when the effects really and truly hit him. This wasn’t the first time he had gone without energon by choice, and his reserves had been hit pretty hard because of it. 

He stumbled into the main silo after Optimus had called a meeting, the seeker tried to straighten up as best as he could but he felt unfocused and couldn’t concentrate on what the Prime was saying. He dismissed another alert- pesky things- and his optics promptly offlined. He had only a moment to think, ‘Oh scrap’ before the rest of his non essential systems offlined as well, leaving him in an unconscious pile on the floor.

\-----

When he woke up, the first thing he heard was Optimus’ deep voice. It seemed like the Prime was talking with someone, “...know how this happened? He couldn't have missed….”

Starscream groaned, his processor felt like it had been hit with a brick, which he might have, if he hit the floor. He brought a servo to his face, waiting for his optics to online again.

“Starscream!” He heard Ratchet exclaim, “Watch the claws- you’ll catch an optic!”

The seeker snorted, ‘I’m not so uncoordinated as to harm my own optic.’ he tried to say, but his voice box just fizzled and popped. His optics onlined a moment later and he winced at how bright the room seemed. He threw his arm over his optics and groaned. ‘Turn down the sun…’ He muttered. But it was barely recognizable as speech.

He felt a slightly painful tug on his opposite arm. He uncovered his optics and looked down to see an energon line plugged into his exposed line at his elbow joint. “Whh?” He managed to force out of his struggling vocalizer.

Ratchet walked over to him. “Starscream… your energon levels were dangerously low. However, Optimus has told me he saw you take an energon cube and go to fuel up. How did you burn half a tank in less than 4 hours?”

Starscream tore away his gaze. He reset his vocalizer a few times to get it to finally produce sound correctly, but it was still extremely static-filled. “Umm… I-I dunno…” He mumbled. He couldn’t tell them the truth.

“Starscream.” Came Optimus’ voice, and the seeker flinched at the… anger he heard in Prime’s voice. “Did you neglect to fuel?” He asked firmly.

Starscream shrugged. “I-I took a cube… Didn’t I?” He muttered. Now that he thought about it, when he tried to remember the last few hours, his processor gave a pulse of pain. He knew he had chosen to forgo the cube to discipline himself, but he couldn’t tell the prime that. So he lied. “Ah-ha, I must have… simply dozed off before I could fuel! Yes, and I must have hit my head to cause this processor-rending helmache.”

Optimus and Ratchet exchanged worried looks. “Starscream,” Ratchet began uneasily, “when you walked into the main room for debriefing, you keeled over almost immediately. Something must have happened to you to cause you to faint.”

Starscream looked away. What could he say that would make sense but not work the soft sparked Autobots into an outrage. “I’m perfectly fine. Everything is fine.” He insisted.

Ratchet glared at him. “You say as you’re laid in my medbay because you fainted!”

Starscream flinched the sudden increase in volume. He very suddenly had the desire to flee the room. He began pulling at the medical fuel line attached to him. “I don’t need help Ratchet. No one’s ever been hurt skipping one ration!” He shouted back.

Ratchet gasped, then looked at Optimus, who frowned. Starscream realized what he had said- but tried to play it off. “I-I simply required an empty tank to better train myself, the Autobot’s energon supply is far more inferior than what I’m used to, so, all the better to practice going without now and again!”

Ratchet narrowed his optics and crossed his arms disbelievingly, “Just one ration, Starscream? Your reserve tanks were practically empty!” Starscream cursed under his intake.

“Seekers burn fuel fast.” He muttered weakly. He knew it was a dumb excuse but it was all he had. He sat on the slab guiltily in silence before realizing Optimus had pulled Ratchet aside and was talking to him privately. He was just able to catch Ratchet saying ‘Are you sure?’ before the prime nodded, and Ratchet walked off. Now he was alone with Optimus, who turned to look at him with that same frown.

Starscream scoffed at the Prime once he turned back to face him, “Don’t speak about me as if I’m not right here! I had low fuel, and now I don’t, can’t we just move on and pretend like this didn’t happen?” The seeker had to physically stop himself from cowering at the large mech who stood in front of him, Optimus simply pulled a chair up to the berth beside him and sat down, folding his hands in his lap like some kind of concerned creator. 

“Starscream… Why did you short your own fuel?” He asked softly.

Starscream looked away. He couldn’t come up with good lies when he had those cerulean optics staring at him. It was as if Optimus actually cared, or something stupid like that. The seeker finally met the other mech’s gaze, feeling his faceplate flush with shame as he spoke.

“I wasn’t good enough…” the words almost came out as a whisper, Optimus furrowed his brow as Starscream continued, “It was my job to scout for the mission, and I missed- I missed something! The whole mission was a failure, because of me.” The words flew out of him and he found himself unable to stop them.

“I put everyone's lives in danger! I put your life in danger! It’s- It’s unforgivable! And it’s not like you’ll do anything about it, you’d never really reprimand me like I deserve! I failed- so I skipped my rations… A few times. It’s not- It’s not like it’s a big deal, I’m Starscream, who cares! I’m just the ex-con who couldn’t even do a simple scouting mission properly!” His chest heaved with the force of his intakes. He hadn’t even noticed when he started to cry, coolant rolling down his faceplate and onto his fists, which were clenched in his lap.

Optimus had noticed. The larger mech raised an open hand and brushed away a stray streak of coolant, leaving his servo there he turned Starscream’s faceplate to look at him once more.

“Starscream, you have proven your worth to the Autobot cause- and to me, more times than there are stars in the sky, nobody here thinks you unworthy, especially because of a simple mistake.” Optimus looked at Starscream, collecting his thoughts, but it felt like he was looking directly into his spark to the seeker. His energon ran cold as Optimus dropped his servo from his cheek, but he simply took the seeker’s servos into his own and continued.

“Starscream, I want- I need you to understand that you deserve to eat, you don't have to earn your fuel here. No one here will ever go without, if I can help it…” he felt Optimus’ servos tighten around his own, the topic obviously a hard one for the Autobot leader. 

“But I-” The seeker began, but was cut off.

“No Starscream. I will never take away something as vital as someone’s energon. And you should never do it to yourself for perceived wrongdoings…” The Prime said firmly.

Starscream cursed at himself internally as he felt his emotions resurface once more, he pulled his servos from the Prime’s and covered his face as sobs shook his body. He felt so embarrassed, to cry because of a simple statement- and in front of Optimus Prime no less! But he couldn’t force himself to stop crying. 

Suddenly warm arms wrapped around his frame and he felt himself pulled into a strong hug from the other mech. His traitorous body relaxed into the kind touch causing his sobs to intensify as he released all of his pent-up emotions embarrassingly into Optimus’ chest.

The embrace lasted for what seemed like hours, Starscream expected Optimus to pull away at any moment and chastise him for his continued display of weakness. But when the Prime did move, it was just to reposition them on the medical berth, allowing Starscream to sit next to him, his arms never leaving their place wrapped around the seeker.

Once Starscream regained control of his intakes, and the crying mostly stopped, he sighed and pulled back gently, resting his servos over the larger mech’s.

“Optimus I apologize-” He started, but cut off as he looked at The Prime’s face. Optimus had his own streaks of coolant running down his faceplate, his expression was full of sorrow and worry. 

The Prime cleared his vocalizer after a moment and began in a voice far shakier than Starscream had ever heard it, “Starscream, I- If there was something that happened, something I did to make you feel as though you needed to starve yourself so, then I deeply and truly apologize.”

“No!” the seeker gasped, gripping the other’s servos tightly.

“No it wasn’t- It wasn’t you at all! It’s just, it's hard, this messed-up way of, of punishment for failure is all I've known for a long time. I know it’s not like that here, I know. But how else am I supposed to show you all that I'll do better next time?”

Optimus looked at him intensely, his optics brimming with sincerity. “Show us by taking care of yourself, you can’t scout properly if you’re so low on energon that your optics offline. Starscream I- the whole team cares about you! It’s important to everyone that you are well.”

Starscream lowered his gaze to their entangled servos, “...alright, I, I’ll do better. I won't skip rations anymore.”

“Do you promise?”

Starscream scoffed, a promise? What an Autobot sentiment! But then he remembered a conversation he and Optimus had had previously. Starscream was an Autobot, too. He took a deep intake and smiled up at the Prime,

“I promise.”


End file.
